Epic April 10th NaPoWriMo Fail

In desperation, and with a whole lot of help from my - errr, friends? - I bring you the epic April 10th NaPoWriMo fail:

#1 (Please use Canadian accent)

There once was an old man from Cambridge,
Who knew a sweet tweeter with cleavage
He had a face like an otter,
She could swim underwater,
Ducking ducks together they played quidditch...

#2 (Please use a very, very bad urban youf accent)

Cambridge,
Like a fridge,
Where you play quidditch,
It is quite rich,
It aint Stourbridge,
Not a ditch,
I aint no snitch,
But it aint got no urban rhythm!